Random Thoughts and Journalling
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Sat, July 5
I hate July 4th, was hoping the rain would dissuade them, nope. Explosions til 11pm. Ugh...Wtf are you even celebrating?
Tues, July 2
If you voted for that fucking Nazi I hope you fucking die of gonorrhea and burn in whatever Pit you believe in. My husband, who is Hispanic, born in this fucking country, now has to carry around his birth certificate like we're in fucking Nazi Germany because his skin color is slightly darker. Fuck every last one of you mother fuckers that thought for even a second this was the better choice. I hate you and I hope you die alone in a fucking ditch covered in maggots and flies, and that the last thing you see is a fucking boot coming down to crush your head so you can lick it one last time you fascist pricks.
Monday, June 30
Edit after the fact: Hey, guess what? Checked my calendar, I'm PMSing, everything below is the fault of my uterus so...Yay.
You ever convince yourself so wholly that you are someone that is better to be known at a surface level and no further? Convinced that everyone you know or love is actually lying directly to your face, laughing at the fact that you think you can possibly be loved? My own parents don't love me as a person, one I haven't spoken to in more than a decade, another we only send the odd video back and forth because the last time I tried to have a conversation and give my opinion, I was called a disappointment.
How the fuck am I supposed to believe that anyone can love me if my own family can't stand the idea of me? The blood that runs through my veins started with them, pain and suffering brought me into this world but I'm not worth it, maybe I never was. How can I be worth knowing or understanding? I don't understand myself. I'm 38 fucking years old, I should be passed this shit but it still raises up everytime someone gives just the slightest difference in tone through message or text. I convince myself it's my fault, I'm the worst thing people can know. I bring no happiness to anyone, how can I?
Gods damn it where is this coming from? Why am I so convinced of it? Why can't I shake it free? I fucking hate it.
Wednesday, June 25
Thinkin' about summer. A new season means a refresh, generally. So, the house is decluttered, we're painting the bedroom into a nice green color to make it a little more cheery in there and making redecorating plans, the house is the cleanest it's ever been I'm pretty sure. We had a friend of husband's come over, he's a contractor and he did a little unofficial inspection of the house and found some problem areas but less than we thought. Still expensive, still a pain, but not the end of the world. She's an older house, so it's nice that she's holding together so well.
With the new season thoughts of summer arise. I'm middle aged now, going to be 38 in August. The school summers of doing nothing are far behind me now. But with activity comes purpose, generally. Florida summers are no joke, so the aesthetic summer is not really a thing here, unless you like the beach, which I don't. So summers are spent inside, avoiding the sun and watching tourists with a mix of pity and 'good for you' vibes, because I'm an indoor cat through and through.
Video games are always a part of summer. I've struggled getting into games in the last couple years, but one of our closest friends bought us both the Rogue Trader RPG and we've been eating that up. It's very enjoyable. Also the Steam Summer Sale is coming soon, we'll see what that does to my wallet. I really wanna play Date Everything, hoping that goes on sale. I'd like to catch a movie sometime, a great summer activity but nothing has really been released that I'm interested in. I did see ads for Kpop Demon Hunters on Netflix, I really want to check that out.
Summer storms in Florida are also no joke, not to mention hurricane season. It's been the last couple years they've been saying 'this is going to be the busiest hurricane season in years!' it seems to pick up year by year, that's for sure. Last year's was pretty brutal for a lot of states, not just Florida. Hopefully everyone takes it seriously this year.
Unfortunately with housework generally comes yardwork, we've been neglecting that pretty hardcore and the rain has made it even crazier. So at some point we'll need to get out there and really take down the weeds as well as a couple trees, for safety's sake.
Otherwise, June felt like the longest and shortest month so far this year, way too busy on one end, but with a lot of 'hurry up and wait' kind of situations. I'm hoping that the rest of summer is a little more peaceful.
Wednesday, June 18
Where have I been? Good question, losing my ever loving mind, honestly. Family hospital stays, anniversaries, TTRPG game plans, trying to keep on top of work, protesting, decluttering the house, repainting a room. I just haven't had the mind to come back here and do some more. I really want to, I'll try to see if I can get some stuff done tonight but it's just been insane. I'm thinking it's starting to calm down but who the fuck knows at this point?
Friday, March 28th
Been going okay, but not doing so well in the retaining hope department. It all just seems so hopeless.
"What do you do when you can't do nothing, but there's nothing you can do?"
"You do what you can."
Wednesday, March 12th
Shouldn't be surprised that I got sick after such a rough week, but it's the fact that I went out once for myself in months and that's where I got sick. Went to the Ren Faire, drank too much but had a good time otherwise. Now I'm sick as a dog, achey and weak. I'm so damn tired but still working, small blessings that I can still earn some money while sick working from home. But I plan on just sleeping once I'm done here. Uggggggh....
Friday, March 7th 2025
Holy shit work has been murderous this week. Husband has been hyperfixating on Warhammer and I've just been working my ass off, going to bed alone while he paints until late and then getting up to do it again. I'm trying to get rested up in between but I just haven't had the energy to do anything fulfilling after work and it's wearing on me. I haven't had the energy to work out and cooking hasn't been easy, there's just so much I gotta do that normally I would do in between orders at work but it's been so busy that I haven't been able to. I'm gonna hit the Pomodoro timer today to force myself to take breaks otherwise I won't get shit done this weekend. I have to clean the whole house while he's away at a tournament. I'm so tired.
Monday, March 3rd 2025
Took a mental health day today, spent the morning doing some gardening and yardwork, planted some strawberry tops from my breakfast. I don't plan on growing them to harvest but I can at least get them to start growing and add a little green for now. Did had a rather insane tarot pull asking for some help in finding my way and boy did it provide. This deck has been the most straightforward deck I've ever worked with, it's creepy everytime I do a pull from it. The rest of the day I'll spend cleaning and seeing what other productive things I can accomplish around the house before it's back to work tomorrow. I'm really digging the website as it is right now, all of the people out there offering so many free resources and help with coding definitely got me back into the swing of it. It makes me thing of my days on Gaia or MySpace, how much fun just some simple coding can be. I'm taking another month off social media for March so I really want to use my free time to keep the house in check and work on the website. I have some ideas of other things to add but a lot of it has been looking at other people's pages, liking what they've added and doing it myself. I like how approachable this all is, plus there's no clutter of new hobby supplies and it's totally free. It's really amazing how cool the community is. Once I get it to a place where I feel like people can look at it I'll look into some webrings to join. This has been a great blast from the past.